On My First Mother’s Day

I don’t even know where to begin in writing this post. It’s been on my mind all week as this Mother’s Day has slowly approached. I am going to try as eloquently as I can try to put in to words what I’m feeling and I hope you can follow along.  

You see up until this year I wasn’t a Mom yet.  Up until this year, Mother’s Day was tainted with the memory of my biological father’s suicide.  I don’t want to get in to all that, but to provide a little back story for those that aren’t already aware, this devastating news was delivered via a phone call that would forever change my life on Mother’s Day when I was 15 years old. 

I don’t think of it often and throughout the year(s) it’s almost like a distant memory that happened in someone else’s family, not mine. But on this day, and this day only, the memory flashes back and it makes me nauseous and has every year since. 

I guess I should say made me nauseous, as in past tense. I say that because this day is forever changed for me from now and for the rest of my life and I can’t even express how blessed and grateful I am for that on so many levels.  

You see this year is the first Mother’s Day that I’m a Mom. A parent. Someone’s Mom.  I still can’t even believe it. Typing and reading the words still seem so unreal and untrue yet they are so amazingly true and real. 

On February 6th, 2017 our lives were forever changed when our local Department of Social Services brought us the most beautiful creature I have ever seen, our foster son whom we affectionately call “Baby K” whom was only 3 weeks old.  I can still remember exactly what he was wearing and exactly how he smelled that day he arrived at our home. 

I was immediately smitten with this amazing tiny human being and sometimes still forget I didn’t actually give birth to him myself, even when it’s blatantly obvious that our skin tones are different and being that it is totally visually apparent resulting in stares in public, assumptions about whom his dad might be, and many other stereotypes and well meaning yet rude comments from strangers that I don’t care to get in to. 

My point is that I have never experienced the wave of emotions and the automatic motherly instincts that took over my body that day. It was totally different than how it felt when we received our first temporary placement (a 3yr old girl whom we knew from the beginning would only be with us for a brief time). It was overwhelming the rush of emotions that swept through me that day and continue to do so each and every day as he ages.  Feelings of fear, anxiety, inadequacy, abundant love, compassion, and instincts to defend and protect just to name a few. There has never been so much truth in the term “Mama Bear” as there is for me now. It was exactly like that, a new Mama Bear 🐻 completely smitten with her new Baby Cub. 

On this day this year, I am so grateful to have been chosen by God to be Baby K’s Mom, whether that be temporarily or for the rest of his life. I am feeling emotions and love that I never knew was possible and in parts of my heart I didn’t even know existed. I am feeling hopeful that God’s plan for Baby K’s future, no matter what it might be, will be His will, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t secretly hope that God’s plan was for him to legally become ours. It makes me feel selfish to admit that out loud but he is my cub forever in my heart no matter what happens, for this I know is true. 

From this day forward I will know and understand what being a Mom is all about, how it changes your very core and your mind and heart forever. I will remember the precious moments I have shared with my Baby Cub these last three months (he just turned 4 months last weekend). I will remember experiencing all his “first” milestones of development, and seriously there has been so many in such a short amount of time, who knew!  

I will cherish in my heart the way his face lights up in a big bright smile when he hears my voice. I will emblazon in my mind the look of love, innocence and adoration I get to witness when I look in to those beautiful baby brown eyes of his and he looks back at me. 

I am forever changed. I will never forget no matter where God takes us on this journey these feelings, these moments and this precious soul. He will always be the one that changed me and for that I am truly blessed and thankful. He is my Cub forever and I can’t believe God chose me. I am truly honored and vow to do my best to protect and love him for the rest of my life. 

As I type this he is asleep in my arms after a middle of the night feeding. I want to freeze this moment in time so I can remember it always. The milk smell on his breath from his bottle and the scent of lavender from his baby shampoo I want to bottle up and smell forever as it’s the most magical and precious fragrance I’ve ever smelled. 

My first Mother’s Day…I want to remember it and cherish this moment forever and always. 

❤️ Crazy Jess 


Foster Parent Process Update

For those of you reading this, you may be confused as I haven’t posted about our Foster Parenting journey in quite some time and I’ve gotten a lot of new followers recently.  In a nutshell there is more to Crazy Jess than just good deals, makeup & weight loss surgery (WLS) plans for those of you that follow me on YouTube.  For more info on our journey and our decision to start this process check out this post first.

Our New Journey

Many of those whom are aware of our journey have asked us recently for an update and honestly this process has been a lot slower than we anticipated.  We started the required 30 hours of training classes at the beginning of January  and “graduated” class mid-February.  It was then that we began the next steps to being licensed only these next steps were very very slow.  In April we had our first home study, in early May we completed the background checks & required finger printing process as well as the next round of open-ended essay type questions, we then submitted our list of references and then we waited.  And waited some more with no news, no correspondence, nothing.   June rolled around and we emailed our Social Worker countless times only to receive no response.  In July we called the office to find out she was no longer with the agency anymore and we were being assigned a new Social Worker.  Since then, things have been more on the fast track although we had to re-do some of the things we had already done which is to be expected when a new person takes over your case.  So although it was a much slower process than we initially were told, everything happens for a reason in the timeline in which it’s supposed to happen and we can finally see light at the end of the tunnel at this point which has reduced my anxiety greatly, that’s for sure.

So where we stand now…

Our full application is ready and is being reviewed by our Social Worker’s supervisor next week.  Then it will be sent off for review/approval by the state.  State review/approval process typically takes about a month. Essentially by mid-September we should be fully licensed and it seems so unreal.  We have come so far along this journey (8 months) and it seems like it’s been a year already.  We are eager with anticipation but also nervous yet excited at what life will become.  It is likely that right after we are licensed we could get our first placement.  That is so amazing yet scary at the same time.  We are ready (for the most part) and have an almost stocked nursery ready for our future foster babies (0-2yr) and now we wait until we get the news we were approved.  I wonder if the next 5 weeks will feel like an eternity.  Here is a glimpse of the room we have put together:

We just want to say thank you from the bottom of our hearts to those of you that have donated items such as toys, clothes, books, baby seats, etc.  It means so much to us that we have your support on this journey.  We want to say thank you for everyone whom is praying for us and giving us words of encouragement along the way.  We appreciate and love you all very much and are happy you are going to be able to experience this journey with us as without your support this would be a much more difficult road.


Matt & Jess