Where do I even begin? I don’t know. My mind is a constant jumble of mess literally all of the time. I swear becoming a Mom has hindered my ability at being a normal person. I have a lot to say and share and I so want to blog/vlog about all of it but I’m struggling to find time. I have no time for myself as it is let alone time to do things that spark joy for me.
At the same time, I’m cognizant of the fact that by not making time for the things that rejuvenate my soul and foster my creativity I’m going to continue to feel this very unfulfilled angst. It sounds horrible for a wife and mom to say she doesn’t feel fulfillment and by doing so I can sense the judgement that will be thrown my way. But hear me out on this.
Im clearly no expert on life, motherhood and wifey stuff, but what I’m learning though is that if you don’t take care of yourself you can’t take care of everyone else as adequately as you aspire to. It sounds so redundant and cliche to say “you can’t pour from an empty cup” but it’s the most truthful saying I can think of that rings totally true for my current state of life and my mindset.
While you are in the thick of it though (meaning the chaos, demanding schedules, toddler tantrums, lack of sleep and sticky floors) you can’t see this. The urge to do anything but parent/wife/work make you feel like one of those three things are slacking which makes you feel like a failure and like you aren’t living up to the impossible and invisible set of standards that you have set for yourself in your anxiety ridden and sleep deprived mind. So you let things fall to the wayside out of guilt and obligation for all the other roles and responsibilities you have to tackle. The book(s) you want to read, the blog you want to write, the vlog you want to film, the girls trip you soooooo need, the movies you want to watch, the pedicure you so desperately need, the haircut and color that is 12 months over due,
The eyebrow waxing you so clearly need…I could go on for eternity).
The noise in your brain caused by the constant racing thoughts and feelings of inadequacy is freaking exhausting. My brain hurts from the self hatred and I need to give myself some grace. They say this is a season of life though. That it gets easier. That as the kids grow and become more independent you will slowly begin to sleep more and have more time as they don’t need you as much. While you long for that time you slowly despise its arrival because that means your babies are growing up and they aren’t babies anymore and for so long your self identity has been wrapped up in being their Mama Bear.
I’ve been at this mom gig for two years three months and counting and it’s been one amazing, God led, and beautiful experience thus far. But I’d be lying if I said it was easy or that I knew what I was doing or that I had the ability to juggle it all efficiently. My current state of life is chaotic, stressful, overwhelming and beautiful at the same time. I’m struggling to keep my sense of self and my identity as a woman in trying to navigate it all. Please know I’m trying. I ask for your patience, your grace and your support while I try to figure it all out. If I’m slow to return a call/text, didn’t send a thank you note for a gift, haven’t been able to make those plans to get together like we keep saying we will, or set that girls weekend up on the calendar etc I’m not intending to be a bad friend/sister/daughter/neighbor/person and please know I seriously crave the normal human interaction more than you will know as I sooo need it. I’m just currently dealing with a whirlwind of chaos and I don’t know what to do with myself half the time. It’s literally not you. It’s me. Totally me. Send prayers, positive thoughts/vibes and maybe wine? (Kind of kidding about the wine). And I’ll see you in a couple more years…
Crazy Jess ❤️